"If you work really hard and are kind, AMAZING things will happen."
I’m sitting here at 2am studying for my last nursing midterm of my undergrad career. As stressed as I am, as stressful as the past four years have been, as much of a roller coaster this experience has been, I can’t help but feel more motivated than ever to put in the work. I’ve gone back and forth with what it takes to be a college educated womyn, loosing motivation, finding motivation and only to loose it again. But right now, at two in the morning, looking at how far I’ve come and how much I’ve struggled, I can’t be more proud to say that I know I’ve got this. I’ve proven to myself so much this semester. I may not have done it perfect, I still have my doubts in myself, but I can’t help but look at what I’ve achieved and feel proud that I’ve put in the work and come out with the results that I have. I’m resilient and determined to finish strong, and realize how much stronger I was than when I started.
A person of culture, of depth, of substance. A mind that knows the same and finds passion in the thoughts, abstract in their concepts, will always keep me intrigued. I want to be able to have a conversation about the things that have led us up to this point, not only in an individualistic sense but in a communal one, for who are we but human beings who live in relation to each other and our surroundings, with each encounter we may come across. A global perspective that sees the impact of a youth that finds no more interest than whats next on their news feed or how many likes they got on a picture that in reality, means nothing compared to the debilitating issues that affect the shaping of the mind in the bubble that is our privileged society, a critical eye that is able to think about more, that has a hunger that is so deep to learn more that they can’t help but give in to their curiosity. The bigger picture, I need you to see the bigger picture. Have a mind so wide, so open that the mystery of your thoughts is something that will keep me interested, but also a mind strong and confident in its resilience that it is not easily impressed, only by that which is extraordinary and impactful. Resilience. A mind that knows resilience and keeps it close to their hearts, fully trusting, believing and understanding that without struggle, there is no progress. WITHOUT STRUGGLE, THERE IS NO PROGRESS, and there is no progress if there is no action and there is no action if there is no motivation, a motivation that comes from the heart that knows and feels and sees the importance in compassion, selflessness and kindness and sees the impact these things may have on the world for, with open eyes, we see that these are things that we lack in the world but need so much of. A mind of another level, I need this.
Being given the heart that I have and the mindset I have put myself in has been a blessing and a curse. I truly put my effort and my emotion into being a good person, being humble, respecting another for the person they are and whatever they have or are going through. I’m a believer in people are the way they are for a reason which is why I always try to bring kindness into every encounter I come upon. I wake up each day in an active effort to keep hate out of my heart and to only wish happiness to everyone, regardless of the hurt that has come from the past. Unfortunately, I’m coming upon the heartbreaking lesson that just because I think this way doesn’t mean that everyone else is capable of doing the same. I need to accept that not everyone has the same heart that I do, they can’t be as open or forgiving. I need to learn how to protect my heart to prevent myself from feeling so idiotic or naive. I’m a rare breed and I’m only lucky enough to have found someone that is capable of the same love. I’m growing from this and taking this lesson with a grain of salt. I won’t stop loving the way I do or giving the same heart that I do because I’m at my best right now. I’m positive, and happy and going back isn’t an option. I need to remember this and I need to accept this and I need to protect myself. I won’t let you change me anymore.
To the ones that have trampled over my heart, thank you. To the one that pierced my heart to make me feel a pain so sharp, so deep that I thought I would never love again, thank you. Despite the bullshit you’ve thrown my way, I’ve managed to still give myself whole heartedly. I’ve learned to wait, to offer it to the one who would be able to love as selflessly as I do. I’ve lived a short life, but I’ve learned wisdom which I like to think not many even in old age have come to realize. I’m competitive with my love because I know it’s not for everyone. I ask about the ones that did you wrong, the moments that hurt you, the ones that broke your heart because I want to do you right in every way. Be everything no one else could be for you. Show you how love is supposed to feel because baby, I promise that I will do my all to make it that no love after me will ever be as beautiful, fulfilling or passionate as mine. I love with all of me, I give you all of me. So, to the ones that have trampled my heart, thank you. You’ve taught me that my love is resilient beyond means and have shown me everything that love is not, so that this time around, I know what exactly what love is.
An unwavering love that knows no struggle despite our struggles A love so unconditional that above my anger and frustration, above my hurt, I feel nothing but that love for you. A resilient love that knows no time or distance for I feel like I’ve loved you for years, across lifetimes, across countries and continents.
"You can't change what's going on around you until you change what's going on within you."
This internal battle of self worth vs hopelessness has reached it’s peak tonight and has come to remind me why I used to be such a carefree person. It’s just easier to not care, to let what happens happen and just live in the terminal things that make me happy. I’ve forgotten the rewards of struggle and I have every intention to make myself remember, make myself know that if there is trust in your struggle, then your efforts are not put to waste. Makibaka, huwag matakot. Dare to struggle, do not fear.
“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. And by doing it, they’re proven right. Because, I think there’s something inside of you—and inside of all of us—when we see something and we think, ‘I think I can do it, I think I can do it. But I’m afraid to.’ Bridging that gap, doing what you’re afraid of, getting out of your comfort zone, taking risks like that—THAT is what life is. And I think you might be really good. You might find out something about yourself that’s special. And if you’re not good, who cares? You tried something. Now you know something about yourself. Now you know. A mystery is solved. So, I think you should just give it a try. Just inch yourself out of that back line. Step into life. Courage. Risks. Go. Now.”
“The truth is that the more intimately you know someone, the more clearly you’ll see their flaws. That’s just the way it is. This is why marriages fail, why children are abandoned, why friendships don’t last. You might think you love someone until you see the way they act when they’re out of money or under pressure or hungry, for goodness’ sake. Love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone in spite of their filthy heart. Love is patient and kind, love is deliberate. Love is hard. Love is pain and sacrifice, it’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.”
Two months in, as happy and exciting as the first day.
Two months in, and I no longer look at you with the same eyes.
I see the beyond the physical beauty that won my attraction, into so much more.
I peel back each layer.
My eyes look.
Into the future of us, happy, strong, established, resilient against time and all odds.
My lips kiss.
Past the walls built up from lovers and disappointments past into vulnerability that, to me, does not make you weak, but only strong for persisting through what you have.
My hands hold.
Tight, fingers laced, between delicate hands that no longer have to be empty, or useless, for they find meaning in being the only things that keep me grounded, two feet on the floor.
My mind expands.
You have become like my favorite book. I could read you over and over again and find something new to appreciate and be in awe of each time. With the turn of every page, I come to learn that limits are boundless, and together we understand there is always more to learn about each other and of the world.
My heart beats and my smile grows.
As we grow together, showing me that this, what we have, why I wake up each morning, is beyond a mere physical attraction, but a meaningful, worthwhile partnership where the full potential of each entity is being strived for.
Each part of me, all of me is affected by you. You’ve found your way, even to the darkest corners of my heart and mind, bringing us to the realization that this love is more than skin deep. It is built on layer upon layer of understanding, of thirst to learn more, of love beyond the minds limits.
Two months in, and already, I see the rest of my life.
I’ve always been the type to be happier alone, with my time to myself with my own thoughts. I’ve labeled myself as introverted, quiet or shy.
Now, I’m happier when I’m alone, with you. I want to spend my time with you. I want to share my thoughts with you. I’ve labeled myself as your girl. You’ve changed up the game babygirl, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
Can I say that everything has worked out perfectly? Without hesitation, with 100% conviction, That I could have never fathomed a relationship so perfect? It’s as if every piece has fallen together in the most timely way. Not every step of it was happy,
But every step had a purpose to it, and for that I am thankful.
You, my love, are the epitome of soul-mate. Your presence has made such a profound impact, that your absence is felt to my very core. I love you passionately, With all of me. And that passion erupts From the soul that you have touched so delicately And yet with a force so great As to leave me feeling empty Each moment you’re not there.
My angel, my blessing, My need for you extends beyond my desire And into my very essence
You’re the only other I want around.
I want to see the world with you.
I want to experience new things with you.
I want to discover old things and make them new again with you by my side.
I want to find a new sense of wonder with the life you bring.
I love you, but even then those words just aren’t enough.
"I miss you." Is an understatement of the emotions that go into that breath of air. It’s as if each time one of us leaves, you take part of my heart with you and I feel paralyzed almost until you bring it back. This love is an all consuming love that transcends beyond every layer of protection I’ve built up around myself. It’s as if you’ve found the hidden door no one else thought to look for. You’ve shown me what love is supposed to look like. You’ve made me feel happiness beyond any possible thought. The words I try to put into the way I feel for you, how badly I miss you do not even begin to scratch the surface of how deeply it runs through my veins. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I could say that a thousand times over and it still wouldn’t be enough unless you were here next to me, back with that part of my heart that you keep. Baby, you have me. All of me. And this longing for you is not something I will ever get used to. Know that much.
There are so many emotions packed into my head and heart as I try to process what I’m feeling- frustration, anger, self loathing, sadness, all of it rolled into one giant ball of a low point. This is probably that climax to my neglect that I was anticipating.
How many times am I going to get to this point before I learn my lesson and change my ways? Time is running out and if I want to truly better myself I need to hustle hard but in some sense, to hustle hard and concentrate the way I need to, I should be living under a rock.
I hate myself at times like this. I’m frustrated with the fact that I can’t learn my lesson. I need to stop making excuses and wasting time. What the hell is wrong with me that I can’t even get one thing right. I need to just focus and focus hard. And maybe get some help. I need help. On the outside, it probably appears that I’m just lazy, don’t care, or have my priorities backwards. And because of that, I don’t know what the truth is anymore. I know I have ambition and I know where I’m supposed to be at but I don’t know how to get there. It’s so frustrating because I know my potential but I don’t know why I can’t reach it. I need help, I can’t do this on my own anymore.
I think that part of me feels guilty because I know what they’re thinking and part of me knows they’re right. I have been consumed by you. You’ve taken over me to the point where I have started to neglect the other parts of my life I know I shouldn’t be lacking in. But I can’t help it. You are to me what no one else has ever been able to be. You’ve shown me love in a way I never thought I deserved but always wanted and best believe I will do everything in my power to protect that and keeps things the way they are. But, my consistency with you and how I treat you has had a profound effect on the other parts of my life and that is a reality I am not willing to face at this moment. I’ve always been ambitious, but lost at the same time because of all these internal issues that I have never had the strength to deal with on my own, let alone with another person. The way I love you is the way I try to love all the people in my life, but because they can’t reciprocate even slightly close to my needs, I think that is where I’ve learn to put up my walls. Having willingly carried other people’s burdens and being the strong one they turn to has led me to believe that I’m not allowed to show my weakness which is why I always choose to struggle alone. But you, you’ve changed that and your presence, your love, your everything is like a drug to me that I can’t get enough of. I give in to my addiction for you so easily and so often. I want you all the time to just enjoy and keep by my side. I need you here baby and I’m scared. I’m scared to loose you, and to even think about not having you in my life. It’s hard to be away from you and to constantly have you on my mind. I can’t seem to focus on anything else. Since you’ve come along, it’s like nothing else in my life matters as much and that is the scariest thought to me. Of course I have love for my girls, family, sisters and whatever but you have become my number one. The only one I want to spend time with. I’m scared because it’s just so easy to not care about everything else and just give in to my need for you.
I’m a firm believer in using your voice as opposed to silencing it. Your voice is a powerful weapon and when controlled and mastered, has the potential to move mountains, create worlds, entice emotions, form amounts of love and reasoning possible beyond the mind’s capacity to even fathom. As a firm believer in using your voice, I’m here to tell you it is okay. It’s okay to be loud with me, to show me the side of you that utilizes your voice in ways uncontrolled by your mind, even if that may result in words that you did not know were in you because I am here to make you better. I am here to teach you how to use your voice, to call you out on the times when this powerful tool is wrongly used. I am here to guide you in the right direction. And maybe, one day we both will be eloquent in our words with the voices of two souls that have struggled on a journey to find their voices of wisdom, evident in the passion that is felt from the movement of air in our vocal chords.
At this point, all of those things are nothing and can be nothing more than memories. Some make me nostalgic of young love, some make my heart ache with the reasons of why it didn’t work out. Either way, i just hope you know that I don’t regret anything, I’m just thankful that we had the time we had and the happiness we did while it lasted. We’ve both grown in different ways over the past six years and that’s something to be proud of. I wish you true happiness and I hope that you get everything you want out of life. I know you, and I can honestly say that you have good intentions and great potential which is going to take you far.
Every time that we tried to break things off, the biggest fear was to imagine myself without you, the comfort of having each other after so many years. Now that it is finally happening and we’ve really gone our separate ways, there is a part of me that is sad, not the kind of sad that I wish things were different but a mourning kind of sad. As one of my best friends, you knew me better than anyone else and for things to be done and for us to be out of each others’ lives, I cant help but feel like you took a part of my heart with you. You may not be my last, but you will always be my first and there is no doubt that I will always care for you in some way.
I crave to be near you, to be around you, to feel the presence of you. I crave your scent, your touch, your kiss, every part of you that I long to have in my arms.
I crave the look in your eyes that emblazon the marks of a love so deep into my soul that their imprints and their effects will never be worn away. The touch that burns my skin with desire and leaves my lips wanting more, more and more of you till I’ve had my fill.
Although I will never have my fill for you are all I want. You are all I need. You are all I crave.
You’re like an addiction. I feel myself need you and want you in every possible way. It scares me. It scares me to feel out of control of my feelings and desires for you, feeling like it’s taking over every bone in my body, feeling like I want to do anything and everything just for you. It scares me how much power that gives you over me, whether you know you hold that in the palm of your hand or not.
“I crave you in the most innocent form.”—Perfectly content with the simplest, most basic moments with you. No money spent, no gifts given besides your time, Precious, precious time spent on on the happiness in your smile A smile that’s worth more than gold And a heart that deserves the world And all the good it has to offer.
If you could get inside my brain and pick at all the little thoughts (which is exactly what I want to do with you) you would know that your smile lingers there constantly. It’s like your beautiful face is all my brain seems to register. I think about the brown eyes that I steal glances from every chance I get, that big grinning smile that melts my heart and that tiny nose that scrunches up every time I kiss it and I can’t help but be happy, truly, truly happy.
A lot of times, I feel like I’m not normal. It’s like I look at these pictures and these people who are my age and I read the things they write and I can’t help but think that I’m just not like the rest. Usually I’m okay to think that this is a good thing, like this is the thing that sets me apart but right now I can’t. I just can’t help but think that theres something wrong with me, like even though I know I have a good heart, there aren’t people out there to see the same thing. Or maybe it’s not the people that I want that are noticing which is why I feel like I question my worth so much. But what does it even mean to have worth? I want to say I’m honoring myself by holding myself to a higher standard but then again, if I want to honor my true self and my desires, why can’t I just let loose, let go, and do whatever the fuck I want? Idk, I just don’t feel normal.
Only stand for something if you are willing to become it. Do not preach about being strong if you are going to let yourself buckle under. Do not tell me to be fearless if you cower in the face of adversity. Do this not to save face but for the sake of your own dignity.
I don’t know who you are. I don’t know when our paths will cross. I don’t even know if we’ve already met. Maybe this makes me rosy eyed and naive but it might just make me enlightened enough to think beyond the struggles that could have pushed me to become a dark angry person. The only thing that I can say with confidence to you is that I will treat you well. I am the kind of person you want to surround yourself with. I will not boast; I will not judge. I will only lift you higher, see your potential in anything you want to invest yourself into, including myself. You may not be my first, but in a way that makes you lucky to love the better version of me, the person who has been shaped by adversity and sadness and struggle into a wiser, more open, amazing person. I don’t know who you are, but I know that I love you already.
This is probably one of the first times in my entire life that I truly know to the deepest corner of my heart that I am happy and although happiness is an emotion, which by definition does not last forever, I am okay with that. Because above all, I feel satisfaction with where I am in my life which is more than enough to be thankful for. I love life. I love the womyn I have grown into through my struggles, roller coasters of emotions, humbling experiences and other souls that have pushed me to get higher and challenged me to think bigger. I don’t wish ill on anyone, I only wish for them to experience the type of happiness and content which I feel in my life because this feeling, this aura, this energy that radiates from inside is so amazing and fulfilling that words can’t even describe the true essence of it’s effects. I come from a place of understanding, of trust in fate that things happen the way they do for a reason and that people come to these realizations in their own time. I guess I am just lucky enough to know this happiness at my young age.
"Hostility serves no purpose than to defend an ego that is lacking inner peace." The kind of vibes you put out determine the kind of energy you receive back. It only makes sense that way right? As an avid believer in such words, I seek only to bring good to the people I cross paths with. Regardless of the emotion that I may wear on my sleeve or hide behind my eyes, my intentions are never to harm, never to wish ill but only to lift up. I just hope that others see that as well.
This probably isn’t my best quality but I really have no care for petty, surface level, non genuine conversation. If I wasn’t so damn conscious of pushing too far too fast, I’d ask about how you grew up, who you are, why you think the way you do, not because I’m some emotional female, but because I genuinely want to know. But then again, maybe it’s good I didn’t ask those things because you made it very clear what your expectations from this were. I’m waiting for the day I come across someone who’s on the same brain wave, able to talk about things other than those new shoes you got or asking “wsup” every ten minutes. I want to come across a real conversationalist who doesn’t fear the sound of his own voice speaking true words of life and the inner workings of your mind. So far, man has yet to prove my expectations wrong.