These feelings are all too familiar. Vulnerability, belonging to another can hurt so good,but crush so hard at times.
"If you work really hard and are kind, AMAZING things will happen."
I’m sitting here at 2am studying for my last nursing midterm of my undergrad career. As stressed as I am, as stressful as the past four years have been, as much of a roller coaster this experience has been, I can’t help but feel more motivated than ever to put in the work. I’ve gone back and forth with what it takes to be a college educated womyn, loosing motivation, finding motivation and only to loose it again. But right now, at two in the morning, looking at how far I’ve come and how much I’ve struggled, I can’t be more proud to say that I know I’ve got this. I’ve proven to myself so much this semester. I may not have done it perfect, I still have my doubts in myself, but I can’t help but look at what I’ve achieved and feel proud that I’ve put in the work and come out with the results that I have. I’m resilient and determined to finish strong, and realize how much stronger I was than when I started.
A person of culture, of depth, of substance. A mind that knows the same and finds passion in the thoughts, abstract in their concepts, will always keep me intrigued. I want to be able to have a conversation about the things that have led us up to this point, not only in an individualistic sense but in a communal one, for who are we but human beings who live in relation to each other and our surroundings, with each encounter we may come across. A global perspective that sees the impact of a youth that finds no more interest than whats next on their news feed or how many likes they got on a picture that in reality, means nothing compared to the debilitating issues that affect the shaping of the mind in the bubble that is our privileged society, a critical eye that is able to think about more, that has a hunger that is so deep to learn more that they can’t help but give in to their curiosity. The bigger picture, I need you to see the bigger picture. Have a mind so wide, so open that the mystery of your thoughts is something that will keep me interested, but also a mind strong and confident in its resilience that it is not easily impressed, only by that which is extraordinary and impactful. Resilience. A mind that knows resilience and keeps it close to their hearts, fully trusting, believing and understanding that without struggle, there is no progress. WITHOUT STRUGGLE, THERE IS NO PROGRESS, and there is no progress if there is no action and there is no action if there is no motivation, a motivation that comes from the heart that knows and feels and sees the importance in compassion, selflessness and kindness and sees the impact these things may have on the world for, with open eyes, we see that these are things that we lack in the world but need so much of. A mind of another level, I need this.
Being given the heart that I have and the mindset I have put myself in has been a blessing and a curse. I truly put my effort and my emotion into being a good person, being humble, respecting another for the person they are and whatever they have or are going through. I’m a believer in people are the way they are for a reason which is why I always try to bring kindness into every encounter I come upon. I wake up each day in an active effort to keep hate out of my heart and to only wish happiness to everyone, regardless of the hurt that has come from the past. Unfortunately, I’m coming upon the heartbreaking lesson that just because I think this way doesn’t mean that everyone else is capable of doing the same. I need to accept that not everyone has the same heart that I do, they can’t be as open or forgiving. I need to learn how to protect my heart to prevent myself from feeling so idiotic or naive. I’m a rare breed and I’m only lucky enough to have found someone that is capable of the same love. I’m growing from this and taking this lesson with a grain of salt. I won’t stop loving the way I do or giving the same heart that I do because I’m at my best right now. I’m positive, and happy and going back isn’t an option. I need to remember this and I need to accept this and I need to protect myself. I won’t let you change me anymore.
To the ones that have trampled over my heart, thank you. To the one that pierced my heart to make me feel a pain so sharp, so deep that I thought I would never love again, thank you. Despite the bullshit you’ve thrown my way, I’ve managed to still give myself whole heartedly. I’ve learned to wait, to offer it to the one who would be able to love as selflessly as I do. I’ve lived a short life, but I’ve learned wisdom which I like to think not many even in old age have come to realize. I’m competitive with my love because I know it’s not for everyone. I ask about the ones that did you wrong, the moments that hurt you, the ones that broke your heart because I want to do you right in every way. Be everything no one else could be for you. Show you how love is supposed to feel because baby, I promise that I will do my all to make it that no love after me will ever be as beautiful, fulfilling or passionate as mine. I love with all of me, I give you all of me. So, to the ones that have trampled my heart, thank you. You’ve taught me that my love is resilient beyond means and have shown me everything that love is not, so that this time around, I know what exactly what love is.
An unwavering love that knows no struggle despite our struggles
A love so unconditional that above my anger and frustration, above my hurt, I feel nothing but that love for you.
A resilient love that knows no time or distance for I feel like I’ve loved you for years, across lifetimes, across countries and continents.